Thoughts on Names

28 Jul 2007
Thoughts on Names

I've always had a thing for names. As a child, I would pore through the church bulletin looking for baptism announcements to find out what parents had named their new babies. When I was working at Motherhood Maternity, I would find any excuse to ask the pregnant women what names they were considering. When the shop was slow, I'd flick through the baby names books that we sold. You can imagine how much fun I have looking at all the names of children coming through my clinic at work. I'm like Carrie Bradshaw at a Manolo Blanik sale.

I've noticed some super popular names. For girls, I see a lot of Ella, Michaela, Madison, Emma, Grace, Kate, Caitlin, Olivia. For boys, the "Aiden" names rule: Aiden, Caden, Brayden, Jayden, Hayden. Also, lots of Jack, Max, Ryan, Alexander, Caleb.

These are all good names. Unfortunately, the little Ella's and Jack's will never be just Ella or Jack. They will be Ella J for Ella Jones, not to be confused with Ella Smith and Ella Martin. Jack will be Jack D for Jack Davidson, lest you mistake him for Jack Smith or Jack Martin (Because the Smiths and the Martins didn't consult the 100 Most Popular Names list).

This is all well and good, because Ella and Jack will likely grow up to be whatever they want to be. You see, when you name children, you give them an outfit that they will wear for the rest of their lives. Ella and Jack are like black pants. Dress them up or down, they will always look good. Even if everyone else is wearing them too.

I've met a few boys named Ashley, Lindsay and Brook. Sure, these names were orignally designated as male, but times have changed. I rang Ashley's mom to confirm her appointment, and in a frustrated tone, her mom informed me that Ashley was her son, not her daughter. Mom sounded like she was sick to death of making this distinction. Bet she wished she'd thought about that BEFORE naming her son Ashley! When giving a boy a name normally associated with girls, you might as well put him in a pink dress on his first day of junior high.

What I fail to understand is the outbreak of cutsie-ootsie names. I kid you not, at one point we had FOUR little girls on the heart ward named Precious. FOUR! We also had an infestation of Heaven's. And Miracle's. And one child who's God's honest name was Heaven-Leigh Miracle. I've also met three children named Honey, two named Sugar, and one named Paradise.
Heaven, Sugar, and Precious won't need to worry about the outfit their names imply. They won't need clothes. They will dance with poles when they grow up.

Don't get me started on the random spellings. Mykayla. Maddysyn. Caylab. Kaelyb. Kaedyn. Aydyn. Shea, Shae, Shay, Shaye, Chez. Like Ugg boots...they might look good and trendy now, but one day, you'll wonder what you were thinking.

Even worse are the nonsense names. I've heard of a little girl named General Lee. A little boy named V-Eight. A boy called Fiazko. What???

You just have to wonder...in the adult world, who will take these random names seriously? Precious is going to have to work twice as hard to make something of herself because most people will judge her just on her name! Is Precious a stock broker? Is she a doctor? Or is she serving you drinks at the local titty bar? Which one sounds the most likely? Think about the old Johnny Cash song, "Boy Named Sue." He was set up from the get go.

I've also come across some lovely names. Gavin, Brylea, Oscar, Natalia, Shea (spelled properly). I don't come across as many Jessica's, Jennifer's and Sarah's as you might think, but there are still heaps of Matthew's and James's running around.

When I have kids, I will abide by three principles when choosing names:

1. The name will have some sort of significance (family, faith, etc)

2. There will not be 10 children in the kindergarten class with the same name.

3. The kindergarten teacher will be able to pronounce the name on sight and spell the name on hearing.

I want to give my girls "Little Black Dress" names and my boys "Nice Jeans and a Collared Shirt" names. Names that can go anywhere, do anything, be anyone. Life is hard enough. I'm sure glad my parents went with Erin instead of Moon Beam.

***Disclaimers***

All of the above names are completely true. I've pulled nothing out of my ass.

I am NOT pregnant!!!!